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Mar 172 min read
America Has Developed the World's First Non-Sexual Food
Food scientists at Standford & Sons University have bio-engineered the very first food that is not sexual in any way, shape, or form.
12 views0 comments
Feb 51 min read
Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help
"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."
30 views0 comments
May 9, 20232 min read
Vics Now Offering Pizza By-the-Handful
Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'
576 views0 comments
Mar 31, 20232 min read
Hairnets, Beardnets, Now Hornets: How This Kitchen is Ushering in the New Standard for Hygeine
Elsa shined a heat lamp in her employees’ faces and was horrified by what she saw; Their mouths were humid and coated in saliva.
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Feb 10, 20232 min read
New Coworker Already Repeating Dialogue Lines
"He hadn't even worked a full week yet! He was hired on a Wednesday, and he's already said the same thing twice!"
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Oct 6, 20212 min read
Report: Funnel Jamming Drawer Yet Again
The Impotent Satyr Jeez loo-eez. Can I catch a break while reaching for a slotted spoon? I'm just trying to stir the macaroni noodles I...
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Aug 15, 20211 min read
Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs
The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...
210 views0 comments
Feb 13, 20211 min read
A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)
The Impotent Satyr
123 views0 comments
Feb 2, 20211 min read
The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator
The Impotent Satyr
279 views0 comments
Sep 27, 20201 min read
"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong
Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.
55 views0 comments
Sep 13, 20202 min read
Bullied Student Dons Mask & Brings Temperature Gun to School, Opens Fire
His thermometer gun is drawn and aimed at the forehead of 1st string quarterback and "COVID is a hoax" enthusiast Broman Guyperson.
35 views0 comments
Aug 11, 20202 min read
Biden: "Sure, I Sniffed a Woman's Hair Once or Twice In College, But I Never Inhaled"
So I took a lady, Mary Jane, from a guy on my left, and then I poked my nose through her curls and took in a whiff. BUT I DID NOT INHALE!
35 views0 comments
Aug 2, 20202 min read
Speed Racer Fan Theory Confirmed: "Yes, Everyone is Cumming Their Pants Constantly"
"Every executive at TV Tokyo knew exactly that those moans weren't of astonishment"
346 views0 comments
Jul 28, 20202 min read
Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In
"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."
293 views0 comments
Jul 26, 20203 min read
Altar Boy on Third Attempt to Extinguish Candle Really Feeling God's Mockery
Sweat slid down Jose's temples and dripped onto the fruit punch-stained collar of his alb.
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Jul 15, 20202 min read
City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107
Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling
508 views0 comments
Jun 14, 20201 min read
Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos
Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.
45 views0 comments
May 31, 20202 min read
Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1
"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."
329 views0 comments
Mar 22, 20202 min read
In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business
"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.
560 views0 comments
Mar 20, 20202 min read
I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order
If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.
634 views0 comments
Mar 7, 20204 min read
Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host
"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."
329 views0 comments
Mar 1, 20202 min read
Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside
We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.
606 views0 comments
Feb 23, 20202 min read
Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations
"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.
715 views0 comments
Feb 14, 20202 min read
Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion
"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."
232 views0 comments
Feb 8, 20201 min read
YES for YES
I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.
244 views0 comments
Jan 27, 20202 min read
Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito
"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"
184 views0 comments
Jan 11, 20201 min read
Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic
"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"
55 views0 comments
Dec 30, 20192 min read
Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians
The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...
123 views0 comments
Dec 19, 20191 min read
Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia
"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."
830 views0 comments
Dec 18, 20192 min read
The Mike Pence Space (from women) Force
"I need muscle-bound men with guns and testosterone to keep the women at a forty-foot buffer while I go about my job in the White House."
34 views0 comments
Dec 12, 20192 min read
Henchman Complains to HR After Being Stationed Next to Red Barrel
"I don't even know what's inside those barrels, but I saw one explode last week and kill twelve dudes--blew their skin clean off."
35 views0 comments
Dec 4, 20192 min read
Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender
One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.
326 views0 comments
Nov 11, 20193 min read
Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer
For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.
437 views0 comments
Nov 6, 20191 min read
One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)
Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake
128 views0 comments
Nov 6, 20191 min read
Tree Dropping Leaves AGAIN; Sacrificing 1st Born Son Did NOTHING
"What a waste of a perfectly good beer-fetcher."
4 views0 comments
Nov 4, 20191 min read
Nathaniel Jones for Mayor--Endorsed by Nathaniel Jones
Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.
283 views0 comments
Oct 31, 20191 min read
Cheryl's Ommitments
"Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt
146 views0 comments
Oct 29, 20191 min read
Boots for City Council Position 2
The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.
141 views0 comments
Oct 25, 20191 min read
Helen Wheatley for Boat Decommissioner
"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita
158 views0 comments
Oct 21, 20192 min read
Olympia Furniture Co. Sign Spinner Listening to Job-Mandated Upholstery ASMR
"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"
97 views0 comments
Oct 19, 20192 min read
Crooked Cops Plant Finger Gun in Mime's Hand After Fatal Shooting
"The officers involved reported that the individual was trapped inside of an invisible glass box."
33 views0 comments
Oct 14, 20192 min read
TESC Facilities Workers Given LEGO Technic Sets to Repair Deteriorated Maintenance Systems
"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."
216 views0 comments
Oct 11, 20191 min read
Trump Abandons Kurdish Allies, Citing Their Lack of Help in American Revolutionary War
"Do you remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? I don't remember Kurd in the boat with George."
23 views0 comments
Oct 9, 20192 min read
"You Don't Even Piss Without Asking First" OHS Climate Action Club Instructs City Council
Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
136 views0 comments
Oct 4, 20192 min read
Energy Sec. Rick Perry Expected to Resign Once Out of Coloring Books
"He's a Nickelodeon guy through and through," another source tells me.
13 views0 comments
Sep 26, 20192 min read
Lady Burns Tongue Sampling Coffee in B&B Tasting Room, Acts Like it Fine When it Not at All
"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.
182 views0 comments
Sep 23, 20192 min read
If Emmet O'Connell Has to Remind One More Guest That This the OLYMPIA Standard He'll Say Cuss Word
"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"
421 views0 comments
Sep 20, 20192 min read
After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans
When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial
377 views0 comments
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