The Virgin Chad: How Abstinence Makes You the Coolest Cat on the Block

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"What's under my beanie, you ask? Why, it's God's face, silly pants."

Hey, dudes, dudettes, despacitos, and Doritos, it's in God's plan that you pick up this book and read the holy texts and heart emojis inside. It is paramount that Jesus talk to you, and his word is as following: abstain from sex until marriage. If you can do this, you will achieve your final form at 100% power and vanquish that which is most sinful--pre-marital coitus. It's an ugly word for an ugly act, but everything you need to know about battling Satan's temptations lies inside. Well, what are you waiting for, you perfect, little angel?

Find it sold wherever teens gather behind churches to feel the minor head rush that is hyperventilation while POD faintly plays from someone's headphones connected to a Walkman.