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Aug 15, 20211 min read

Searching Containers Twice in BioShock w/ the Scrounger Gene Tonic

Stories from the Satyr's Haunches

Why—no—how is it possible to re-search a container that's already been searched, with NOTHING BEING FOUND DURING THE FIRST SEARCH?? And then, using the Scrounger Gene Tonic, the second search yields results and you're like whaaaaaaaaaaa *big science brain explodes*

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Feb 51 min read

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."

30 views0 comments

Apr 12, 20203 min read

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

362 views0 comments

Mar 20, 20202 min read

Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition

This digital interactive teaser puts players behind the eyes of a shopper endlessly perusing an aisle that's void of any toilet paper.

24 views0 comments

Feb 26, 20201 min read

The Last Air Blender

It's the revolutionary kitchen gadget that Fire Lord Sozin doesn't want you to see!

79 views0 comments

Jan 28, 20201 min read

The Law Office of Ace Bandit & Bandit

If you or a loved one has been on the receiving end of an unwelcomed boop, you may be entitled to a large tennis ball settlement.

158 views0 comments

Jan 11, 20201 min read

Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic

"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"

55 views0 comments

Jan 2, 20201 min read

Hydra Flask

Put on those water wings, because it's time to WET YOUR WHISTLE with the new Hydra Flask!

67 views0 comments

Dec 4, 20192 min read

Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised

Genesis front man Phil Collins doesn't remember acting in the 1995 movie Waterworld, and I think that's the least of his problems.

190 views0 comments

Apr 41 min read

Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well

Where has the time gone? Where has my ample supply of cheese gone?

8 views0 comments

Mar 241 min read

Lift With Your Legs

Safety first!

8 views0 comments

Mar 31 min read

Life is a B

Sparky's life didn't quite go as planned. But he is still a pretty good boy.

2 views0 comments

Nov 8, 20221 min read

Hunger Overruled

"The court sentences you to 200 hours of assembling pigs in a blanket."

8 views0 comments

Mar 61 min read

Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis

Treatment includes but is not limited to: Sighing loudly or making fart sounds with your mouth during foreplay

19 views0 comments

Aug 12, 20192 min read

Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Impotent M.D. Are you or a loved one suffering from the hurtful connotations associated with eating an exorbitant amount of salad? It's...

33 views0 comments

Jul 30, 20191 min read

Diagnosis: Kocher

"Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves? I've been called worse--today."

22 views0 comments

Jul 28, 20191 min read

Diagnosis: Hellacopter

"My boy Zack is hella strong; I once saw him bench press a bench press that someone was actively using."

22 views0 comments

Oct 263 min read

The Evergreen State College | SEM II Building

This just happens to be my favorite place on campus to play guitar and make unsettling screeching noises.

407 views0 comments

Mar 2, 20213 min read

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

Was it a metaphor for our relationship? I don't know; I am way too drunk to psychoanalyze what she meant by "emotionally distant."

403 views0 comments

Apr 12, 20203 min read

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

362 views0 comments

Feb 28, 20201 min read

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

I was so happy to find some stairs that I didn't bother seeing the falls—I'd already fallen head-over-heels in love.

281 views0 comments

Mar 21, 20201 min read

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than these stairs.

77 views0 comments

Feb 29, 20201 min read

Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review

Why watch dogs when you can watch stairwells?

38 views0 comments

Feb 28, 20201 min read

Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review

They told me I couldn't drive my car up a flight of wooden stairs. So I grabbed my kar and then drove its stock into that person's skull.

14 views0 comments

Feb 5, 20201 min read

Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review

More like peepee of fire. Never wade through dank pond scum inside of a castle operated by toads.

103 views0 comments

Apr 272 min read

Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2

Donald, Goofy, and Sora fight the hordes of Hardless, thrusting and busting evil Dicney villains who use The Hardless like pawns.

5 views0 comments

Mar 242 min read

Stuart Belittle

The moment The Littles make their decision to adopt him, Stuart berates his fellow orphans for having been picked-over for a mouse.

9 views0 comments

Mar 212 min read

Flay's Hand Peeled Skin Chips

Skin chips are hand peeled & fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, our crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings

18 views0 comments

Mar 202 min read

Falanel | Flannel-Coated Falafel

Our employees painstakingly clothe magma-hot falafel in flannel, creating our trademark product: FALANEL

12 views0 comments

Searching Containers Twice in BioShock w/ the Scrounger Gene Tonic

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