The Impotent Satyr
Vice President Mike Pence visited Washington State on Thursday, March 5, to do what he could to stop the deadly Coronavirus in its tracks. Washington Governor Jay Inslee met Mike at McChord Field, and the two politicians bumped ulnas, as hand shakes are discouraged during this time of precautions. That worked just fine for Mike, seeing as the last hand he'd shaken had been President Trump's who had pulled one over on his VP, utilizing the classic electric buzzer-hidden-in-the-palm trick. Mike hadn't enjoyed that prank, not because it had come at his expense, but because, until then, Pence had always been the one initiating the electroshock onto others.
The two high-profile political leaders clambered into the back of a black SUV. Jay "Captain Planet" Inslee turned on his old iPod Touch's Bluetooth and synced it to the vehicle's stereo, following it up by bumping Toxic Garbage Island by French thrash metal band Gojira. Pence immediately commanded the driver to turn off the "angry noise." According to the driver, Pence then divulged to Inslee the importance of practicing self-reflection in silence. Approximately one minute of quiet passed before Governor Inslee abandoned the idea and withdrew from his pocket a picture of his family during a past trip to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival.
"No-no-no, please put that away," Mike reportedly demanded at once, shielding his eyes from Trudi Inslee's summer dress that sank so low that it exposed the erogenous, sinful bulge of her clavicle. "My thoughts need to remain pure," he proclaimed, desperately looking out the window for any roadkill that might lift his sour mood. "It's how I've avoided all diseases up to this point in my life: SARS, MERS, The Gay, temptations to watch episodes of The Handmaid's Tale* after Karen has retired to her bedroom—I've avoided it all by simply occupying my head with the sound that a lathe produces as it glides across a cherry timber beam."
As the delegation moved closer to Kirkland, Mike broke the silence and opened up about himself and why he's so confident about his presence at the US ground zero of COVID-19.
"The President is the only person whom I can hover behind and not cause the immediate exodus of all negative toxins in his body. You see, certain brain synapses need to be happening in order for my God-given talent to take effect on those in front of me. And when the President begins talking in front of others, those synapses do not occur. When that great man opens his mouth, it's like nothing else in his world exists to him but the smacking of his lips and the resonating frequencies emerging from deep within his being." Pence's mouth formed what a blind person might consider to be a smile. "That's why we make such a powerful team."
The group of Pence, Inslee, and nameless senators hurried into Life Care Center, the nursing home where COVID-19 has been making the rounds. In an unused room, a makeshift stage was set up, including a podium front-and-center. An administrator for the facility confirmed that one of their elderly afflicted with the virus had been called for and was waiting outside the room.
Mike Pence immediately hollered toward the door. "Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."
The geriatric hobbled into the room at a frustratingly slow pace and finally took their position behind the podium. Mike assumed his own familiar position behind the elder and began channeling his inner awkwardness. Reporters, politicians, and staff alike gazed at the scene: Mike simply avoided any eye contact and kept his jaw locked as he stood just a foot behind the person at the podium.
And then it happened.
The infected resident began shaking. Those in the room, myself included, were shocked and frightened as the virus discharged itself from every visible orifice (as well as some orifices, I imagine, that were a bit more discreet). And with that, Pence clapped his hands together once, shoved the old person aside, and took control of the podium's microphone.
"Washington has the full support of the US Government," he announced.
A KIRO-7 journalist asked the Vice President what that support would look like.
"Fear not, Washington. Whenever you're standing in line at a Chipotle and you feel the presence of another customer a bit too close behind you—I will be there. Whenever you're taking the trash out to your apartment complex's dumpster in the middle of the night and you feel someone watching you from a darkened window—I will be there. Whenever you use your roommate's bathroom while they're not home—I will be there."
Without skipping a weird beat, Pence's hand found the portable flail he always keeps hidden in his jacket. He then removed the jacket and began striking his bare back with it as he and the others trekked back to the motorcade, the sounds of shuffling feet drowning out Mike muttering, "I deserve this...I deserve this...I deserve this..."
*In the Pence household, The Handmaid's Tale is colloquially referred to as The Good Place.
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