Sorry 90s Kids, Park Side Cafe Denies Rooftop Dining to Moon Shoes Wearers

The Impotent Satyr

"I think I'll drink my Surge and play my Gameboy Color elsewhere, thank you very much!"

In a move that has local Olympians up in ecologically-friendly arms, The Park Side Cafe is targeting the oft neglected wearers of moon shoes by denying them entry to their VIP roof top dining on the third floor of the newly erected building in West Olympia.

"I thought this was supposed to be a safe space," typed an irate Reddit user. "I have trampolines attached to my feet--so what? Let me in! LET ME IN!!"

I just want to eat some dairy-free lasagna, look out over the city, and get, like, three feet of air from my shoes," wrote another user. "Is that unreasonable?"

For now moon shoes wearers are bound to the first floor until one of them can bounce up high enough to reach the top. "It's only a matter of time before one of our people achieves the fabled "Ascension of the Species" and launches up into the air and onto the roof top. And when that day comes, we won't let any of you vertically-challenged normies in."

But moon shoes enthusiasts are still reeling from the 1994 disaster that locals refer to as "The Mistake on the Lake" when Seattle grunge icon Kurt Cobain strapped into a pair of moon shoes at Capitol Lake Park and achieved the first recorded Ascension of the Species, launching himself up into the sky and quickly burning up in the atmosphere. Local Olympia battle rapper, Corbin McGhee, remembers that day well. "The stench was unbearable; it smelled like teen spirit for months."