Impotent Products
Do you remember a time when you could tell the difference between household appliances and food? Me neither, as all the electronic devices in my home double as emergency food rations. Now, does there really need to be a hurricane bearing down on my neighborhood in order for me to take a big ol' bite outta my microwave oven? No.
Hell no.
I'll eat my microwave oven whenever I damn well please.
Except for the times when it's on and reheating food and emitting a lot of
—what-have-you—
radiation.
And when I've had my fill of those little wheels that turn the glass plate during the microwaving process, I shall move on to the Hot Socket that powered the microwave that heated my Hot Pocket that I put in my pants pocket. It's so goddamned hot, and it keeps touching the tip of my
Upon first bite the Hot Socket burns my mouth in two ways. First, the marinara instantly perforates the roof of my mouth with second-degree burns. Just when I reel my head back in anguish the second wave hits, and I'm stunned by a jolt of electrical current running through my molars. Now that's one spicy mama.
Before the bread can get clogged in my airway I'm sucking down the scalding sauce further into my throat in a desperate attempt to vacate my scorched earth mouth. Like cat claws down window drapes, the agent orange marinara and white phosphorous mozzarella slides down my throat. Tears well in my eyes as I recite a silent prayer to Death himself; I kiss him on the lips and whisper that I'll 'see him soon.'
What the heck was this ad about again? I feel a little bit not good at all.
*editor's note* My phone is fully charged! Worth the trip to the ER. Kinda.
Comments