Contagion: The Yawns

Impotent M.D.

Reportedly, after the vaccination, this child keg-standed its mother's nipple then passed out in its crib.

Residents of the small Illinois town of Arcadia have been pointing their 99.9% germ-free sanitized fingers at nearby Literberry anti-vaxxers for this latest wave of The Yawns that's sweeping through the area. Anyone coming in contact with a child unvaccinated against The Yawns will soon find themselves squinting their eyes and unable to control the agape-ness of their mouths as their jaws nearly unhinge as if in preparation to swallow a local muskrat whole.

It's heavily advised that any child not yet vaccinated against this horrifying contagion do so immediately. Just think of the sorts of creatures who could take advantage of your parted lips and fly right in; they may choose to never fly back out. They may settle down, mate, raise a family, and develop a saliva drinking problem. So, please, anyone in the area surrounding Arcadia stop in to your local nurse practitioner's office and have them safely administer a shot of Four Loko + Botox into your child's face.