Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...

The Impotent Satyr

The Impotent Satyr

The Impotent Satyr

Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.

"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."

Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling

Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.

"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."

"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.

If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.

"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."

We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.

"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.

"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."

I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.

"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"

The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...

"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."

One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.

For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.

Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake

Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.

"Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt

The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.

"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita

"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"

"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."

Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.

"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"

When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial

"I can make a rock," piped up Tom Rieger, holding a fist in the air.

We have seven gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. use.

"It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh card tournaments."

"We installed the auto-slapper to bring the excessive haughtiness down to acceptable levels."

The Impotent Satyr ATTENTION residents of West Olympia, a cougar has been spotted near Capital Mall, and she is giving no quarter. Local...

Aldo Boyd arrived to work on a cool August morning with a skip in his step and began turning on the garlic butter finger-smudged lights to

The Impotent Satyr Olympia area man Jordan Shuleice let fall a single tear after loading up the webpage for the latest Thurston County...

The Impotent Satyr On Tuesday, August 27th at approximately 3:47 PM, downtown Olympia resident Ezra Staley spoke the most profound string...

The Impotent Satyr In a move that has local Olympians up in ecologically-friendly arms, The Park Side Cafe is targeting the oft neglected...

The Impotent Satyr What began as a standard meeting on Thurston County's 911 communications radio system ended earlier than expected when...

The Impotent Satyr The pleading wails of Republican minority floor leader Rep. Drew Stokesbary could be heard throughout the entire...