Olympia Satire

May 9, 2023

Vics Now Offering Pizza By-the-Handful

Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

Aug 15, 2021

Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs

The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...

Feb 13, 2021

A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)

The Impotent Satyr

Feb 9, 2021

Exposing Olympia's Beyblade Underworld

The Impotent Satyr

Feb 2, 2021

The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator

The Impotent Satyr

Sep 27, 2020

"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong

Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.

Jul 28, 2020

Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In

"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."

Jul 15, 2020

City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107

Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling

Jun 14, 2020

Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos

Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.

May 31, 2020

Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1

"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."

Mar 22, 2020

In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business

"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.

Mar 20, 2020

I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order

If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.

Mar 7, 2020

Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host

"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."

Mar 1, 2020

Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside

We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.

Feb 23, 2020

Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations

"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.

Feb 14, 2020

Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion

"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."

Feb 8, 2020

YES for YES

I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.

Jan 27, 2020

Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito

"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"