Wayside Cafe Makes Up for Cruelty-Free Fare w/ Auto-Slapper Upon Exit
"We installed the auto-slapper to bring the excessive haughtiness down to acceptable levels."
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Sep 11, 2019
Alex Trebek Returns to Jeopardy w/ Leather Jacket, Fixation on Death
After completing a bout of chemotherapy to combat his pancreatic cancer, Jeopardy host Alex Trebek returned to the quiz show, wearing a leat
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Sep 7, 2019
Nation's 6th Graders Announce Plan to Mispronounce "Annals"
"Annals is just one word we found when looking through the DICK-tionary."
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Sep 6, 2019
Cougar Spotted in Olympia Near Capital Mall
The Impotent Satyr ATTENTION residents of West Olympia, a cougar has been spotted near Capital Mall, and she is giving no quarter. Local...
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Aug 30, 2019
Unsure if Words Spelled Right or Site Doesn't Spellcheck, User Mashes Keyboard for Red Squiggly Line
The Impotent Satyr Real government truthers know the Earth isn't round nor is it flat--it's a triangle.
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Aug 29, 2019
Bread Peddler Night Baker Sends Cryptic Messages to Day Shift
Aldo Boyd arrived to work on a cool August morning with a skip in his step and began turning on the garlic butter finger-smudged lights to
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Aug 28, 2019
Man Once Again Uses All Free Olympian Articles On Restaurant Inspections
The Impotent Satyr Olympia area man Jordan Shuleice let fall a single tear after loading up the webpage for the latest Thurston County...
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Aug 28, 2019
Downtown Olympian Says Something Profound, Goes Unheard Amid ALL THE CONSTRUCTION
The Impotent Satyr On Tuesday, August 27th at approximately 3:47 PM, downtown Olympia resident Ezra Staley spoke the most profound string...
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Aug 25, 2019
Buzzfeed Try Guys Become Foreign Dictators, Give Public Executions a Go
The Impotent Satyr "So I just shoot this guy in the head?" asks Zack Kornfield, pointing a trembling finger at a bound & gagged man on...
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Aug 23, 2019
Sorry 90s Kids, Park Side Cafe Denies Rooftop Dining to Moon Shoes Wearers
The Impotent Satyr In a move that has local Olympians up in ecologically-friendly arms, The Park Side Cafe is targeting the oft neglected...
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Aug 22, 2019
Shopper Clearly Hears Imminent Store Closure Over PA System, Peruses Olive Selection
The Impotent Satyr "What are they going to do, lock me in?" boasts local shitbag Desdemona Mauthoder, leaning over and on her...
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Aug 10, 2019
Lobbyist Who Played GTA Once Runs Over Solicited Politician, Reclaims Cash
They drove to a secluded spot behind Arby's, and Darrellll pushed some requests deep into the senator, who let scream an excited compliance.
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Jul 29, 2019
"Vaccines Don't Cause Autism, They Block Alien Messages to Our Brains," Says Guy 1 Toilet Stall Over
"Free Masons want to keep control through Alex Trebek's soft, caring eyes convincing Americans to apply HeadOn directly to the forehead!"
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Jul 28, 2019
Astronauts Paid in Currency Redeemable Exclusively in Moon Gift Shop
Space bucks--a highly valuable currency on the moon gift shop, but basically Monopoly money here on Earth (except for the Hot Topic in Tulsa
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Jul 23, 2019
Youngest Trump Returns from Summer Camp w/ Sunburn, Red Barron Teasing Ensues
The neighborhood children pointed and laughed, calling him names like "The Red Barron" and "Blonde Strawberry"
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Jul 20, 2019
Nice Old Man Bagging Playground Litter, Smelling Refuse for Scent of Children
"I wouldn't want him around my kids, but if he walked into my dildo shop with that warm smile, he'd be getting fast service & a firm shake."
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Jul 16, 2019
Louisiana Lawmakers Agree on Abortion Bill to Please Everyone
Will they become a model citizen paying taxes and buying stamps? or will they lick grocery store ice cream and place it back in the freezer?
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Jul 12, 2019
Netflix Leak Reveals Power Rangers/Stranger Things Crossover Episode
Steve continues his redemption arch and dons the Yellow Ranger suit, only it's too small to fit him and expose his stomach and thighs.
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