Tree Dropping Leaves AGAIN; Sacrificing 1st Born Son Did NOTHING
"What a waste of a perfectly good beer-fetcher."
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Nov 4, 2019
Nathaniel Jones for Mayor--Endorsed by Nathaniel Jones
Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.
283
Oct 29, 2019
Boots for City Council Position 2
The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.
141
Oct 25, 2019
Helen Wheatley for Boat Decommissioner
"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita
158
Oct 21, 2019
Olympia Furniture Co. Sign Spinner Listening to Job-Mandated Upholstery ASMR
"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"
97
Oct 19, 2019
Crooked Cops Plant Finger Gun in Mime's Hand After Fatal Shooting
"The officers involved reported that the individual was trapped inside of an invisible glass box."
33
Oct 14, 2019
TESC Facilities Workers Given LEGO Technic Sets to Repair Deteriorated Maintenance Systems
"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."
216
Oct 11, 2019
Trump Abandons Kurdish Allies, Citing Their Lack of Help in American Revolutionary War
"Do you remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? I don't remember Kurd in the boat with George."
23
Oct 9, 2019
"You Don't Even Piss Without Asking First" OHS Climate Action Club Instructs City Council
Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
136
Oct 4, 2019
Energy Sec. Rick Perry Expected to Resign Once Out of Coloring Books
"He's a Nickelodeon guy through and through," another source tells me.
13
Sep 26, 2019
Lady Burns Tongue Sampling Coffee in B&B Tasting Room, Acts Like it Fine When it Not at All
"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.
182
Sep 23, 2019
If Emmet O'Connell Has to Remind One More Guest That This the OLYMPIA Standard He'll Say Cuss Word
"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"
421
Sep 20, 2019
After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans
When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial
377
Sep 18, 2019
After Wane in Funding, Olympia Film Society Just Winging it w/ Shadow Puppets
"I can make a rock," piped up Tom Rieger, holding a fist in the air.
184
Sep 16, 2019
Spooner Berry Farms Now Offering Strawberry Puree I.V. Directly into Veins
We have seven gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. use.
382
Sep 14, 2019
Oly PD Sweep 4th Ave Bridge Camp, Uncover Non-Regulation Yu-gi-oh Dueling Ring
"It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh card tournaments."
514
Sep 13, 2019
New Misguided Gun Control Legislation Bans Candy-Flavored Bullets
We double-checked the Constitution to make sure there were no amendments upholding a citizen's right to bear churros & ice cream e-bullets.
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