Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos
Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.
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May 31, 2020
Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1
"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."
329
Mar 22, 2020
In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business
"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.
560
Mar 20, 2020
I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order
If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.
634
Mar 7, 2020
Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host
"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."
329
Mar 1, 2020
Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside
We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.
606
Feb 23, 2020
Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations
"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.
715
Feb 14, 2020
Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion
"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."
232
Jan 27, 2020
Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito
"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"
184
Jan 11, 2020
Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic
"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"
55
Dec 30, 2019
Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians
The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...
123
Dec 19, 2019
Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia
"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."
830
Dec 18, 2019
The Mike Pence Space (from women) Force
"I need muscle-bound men with guns and testosterone to keep the women at a forty-foot buffer while I go about my job in the White House."
34
Dec 12, 2019
Henchman Complains to HR After Being Stationed Next to Red Barrel
"I don't even know what's inside those barrels, but I saw one explode last week and kill twelve dudes--blew their skin clean off."
35
Dec 4, 2019
Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender
One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.
326
Nov 11, 2019
Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer
For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.
437
Nov 6, 2019
One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)
Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake
128
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