Impotent Satyr

Jul 14

MEGA Hat |ON SALE NOW|

I don't have much to say about this.

Mar 17

America Has Developed the World's First Non-Sexual Food

Food scientists at Standford & Sons University have bio-engineered the very first food that is not sexual in any way, shape, or form.

Feb 5

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."

May 9, 2023

Vics Now Offering Pizza By-the-Handful

Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

Mar 31, 2023

Hairnets, Beardnets, Now Hornets: How This Kitchen is Ushering in the New Standard for Hygeine

Elsa shined a heat lamp in her employees’ faces and was horrified by what she saw; Their mouths were humid and coated in saliva.

Feb 10, 2023

New Coworker Already Repeating Dialogue Lines

"He hadn't even worked a full week yet! He was hired on a Wednesday, and he's already said the same thing twice!"

Oct 6, 2021

Report: Funnel Jamming Drawer Yet Again

The Impotent Satyr Jeez loo-eez. Can I catch a break while reaching for a slotted spoon? I'm just trying to stir the macaroni noodles I...

Aug 15, 2021

Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs

The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...

Feb 13, 2021

A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)

The Impotent Satyr

Feb 9, 2021

Exposing Olympia's Beyblade Underworld

The Impotent Satyr

Feb 2, 2021

The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator

The Impotent Satyr

Sep 27, 2020

"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong

Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.

Sep 13, 2020

Bullied Student Dons Mask & Brings Temperature Gun to School, Opens Fire

His thermometer gun is drawn and aimed at the forehead of 1st string quarterback and "COVID is a hoax" enthusiast Broman Guyperson.

Aug 11, 2020

Biden: "Sure, I Sniffed a Woman's Hair Once or Twice In College, But I Never Inhaled"

So I took a lady, Mary Jane, from a guy on my left, and then I poked my nose through her curls and took in a whiff. BUT I DID NOT INHALE!

Aug 2, 2020

Speed Racer Fan Theory Confirmed: "Yes, Everyone is Cumming Their Pants Constantly"

"Every executive at TV Tokyo knew exactly that those moans weren't of astonishment"

Jul 28, 2020

Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In

"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."

Jul 26, 2020

Altar Boy on Third Attempt to Extinguish Candle Really Feeling God's Mockery

Sweat slid down Jose's temples and dripped onto the fruit punch-stained collar of his alb.

Jul 15, 2020

City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107

Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling